Our little princess

One of our biggest questions lately: How will we decorate the nursery?

My idea: Paint the entire room as an homage to the Talladega Superspeedway. I want to have the racetrack painted around the floor, with astro turf to serve as the infield, and bookshelves that double as box seats. This nursery would not be complete without a Tony Stewart crib/ race car sitting on the checkered flag. The final touch: a revving engine noise when I open the door.


My wife's idea: Unfortunately, words cannot do it justice so I've attached this photo.



My point: Currently, I am working to get sponsor decals for the carriage.

Mormon?

At the church one day, I was trying to move a couch all by my lonesome. I became increasingly frustrated because no one showed up to help me. After thirty minutes, I worked myself into a real frenzy. I'm using every Christian cuss word I know (darn, dangit, frick, dag gummit, shucks), but the couch won't budge.

At the point of total exhaustion, two young men in black suits show up. "Excuse me, I am _______ and we are from the Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints. Do you have time for us to share God's Good News?"

"I don't know about the Good News, but would you mind giving me a hand with this couch?"

Under my direct supervision, I told them where to move this couch up the stairs. Afterward, they still wanted to share the Good News with me. However, I needed help moving a few more things over at my place. After several hours of moving, they were determined to share the Good News.

"Look fellas I appreciate what you're trying to do, but its not for me. Feel free to come by tomorrow, we can move some more furniture."

My point: Good News.... I didn't have to move the couch myself, gosh dangit!

Momentous Occasion

After being married a little over six months, my wife and I are celebrating a huge event in our life. Not her pregnancy. Not our six month anniversary. Not our big move to Colorado.

Our big moment, we finished an entire HBO television series, "The Wire." We began Season 1 in late July and closed the doors on Season 5 last night.

A friend told us, "You will never watch a better tv show!!!" Does this mean our marriage will be downhill from here? Can we recover? What will we place on the Netflix Que? I'm scared honey, please hold my hand.

My point: The withdrawal will be tough, but I can rebound.

How to Tell Your Husband

E How has an article titled: How to Tell Your Husband You're Pregnant

1. Set the stage. Pick a time and a place that suit your style: Reserve dinner, suggest an afternoon drive or an evening walk.

My wife: "Lets take a pregnancy test and get it over with."

2. Make the moment magical. Add a romantic touch by serving up sparkling cider (in lieu of Champagne). Slip into a new dress and fix up your hair, if that is important to you.

My wife: "Your sister is a nurse and said it was okay for us to go whitewater rafting."

3. Try the indirect method, if that's your style: Mention that your period is late or use a prop, like a rattle or a baby book, to get your point across.

My wife: "I told you we got pregnant that morning before church."

4. Consider integrating him into the discovery process. Tell him you think you could be pregnant, and then have him there with you to look at your test results.

My wife: "Do you want to pee on the stick?"

5. Try telling him by phone, if you think he'll need a little time by himself to settle into the news. It may make the process easier for you if you cannot see his facial expression.

(Text message): Get another job. I'm preggo. LOL.

My point: I didn't see an E How article about how to use a condom!!!

Is He Livin' on a Prayer?

This week's top 10 is an ode to Jon Bon Jovi.

In 1987, he claimed he was Living on a Prayer. As a person who prays everyday, I would like to know the prayer he is living on. Our prayers barely cover the cost of having a child and a used car. Later he claimed to be Wanted: Dead or Alive. No big deal, he figured I'll Sleep When I Die.

In 1989, he went to a church revival and pleaded for the pastor to Lay Your Hands on Me because he was Always looking for a Miracle. He promised the pastor I'll be There For You when the church started their capital fund raising campaign to build a family life center. He later admitted to Rolling Stone magazine, the main reason he went to church was fear his career would go up in a Blaze of Glory.

In 2000, he thought the world might have forgotten him, so he told everyone It's My Life. A couple years later he decided to save a little money on an anniversary gift and a mother's day card so he wrote, Thank You For Loving Me.

My point: Who Says You Can't Go Home? Not Jon Bon Jovi.

Superhero?

If you were a superhero, who would you be?

I would be Slouchor. I would be able to contort my shoulders and divert my eyes to hide during any social situation. My poor posture would allow me to go unnoticed by unscrupulous women who seek to rob me of my marriage powers. Additionally, I would be able to hide my physical prowess by merely shuffling my feet and wearing baggy clothes. My nemesis would be men with great posture and nice teeth.

My wife would be Pregosaurus. A mix between a pregnant woman and a dinosaur. You've heard about pregnancy strength, just imagine adding horns and scales to that strength. She would be unstoppable. No one would dare ask, "How much weight have you gained?" Her one weakness, the Ice Age.

My point: Everyone wants to be Aquaman, I just want to be realistic.

Babycenter.com

Each week during my wife's pregnancy, she receives an email update from babycenter. com. The website tells us several interesting things about our growing baby. We learn how big our baby is growing by comparing it to pieces of fruit, except the week our baby was compared to a shrimp. (If you've seen District 9, this is ultra creepy.) At least it wasn't compared to a can of SPAM. Every week, we are learning how the baby is developing and are taught ways to prepare for its impending arrival.


This week my wife was told to write a letter to our child, because it is something they will cherish for a lifetime. In light of this, I've decided to write my own letter.



Dear Velociraptor Mowgli Konigsmark III,



Your dad is so proud of you. At this very moment, I am gushing with joy. Thankfully, you have your mother's feet, smarts, and teeth. Not in a million lifetimes did I think I would be so lucky to call you my child. You are beautiful and perfect in every way. Remember, I will always love you no matter what. I know you're going to get in trouble, but that means I'll have to hug you a little tighter and tell you how much I love you.

With our love, affection, and proper training, you'll be proud to say, "My dad can beat up your dad." Don't worry, I'm training harder than ever to protect my special blessing... you.

Love,

Dad

My point: Go ahead and talk that smack, because Daddy's got your back.